What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 06:21
I was seconnd youngest,
Who then, do I blame.?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
What do you think is the #1 cause of why relationships nowadays don't seem to last long?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
All the time i was locked up.
Were you ever in love with your teacher?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He resisted the act ,that day.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Would this be the day?
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Why don't I get sleep at nights?
It was going to be , some day.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
How do you find out who your handler is as a targeted individual?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So whats the point in blame.
How do people break a narcissist man's ego?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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I was scared of men, in general
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Comes on , in middle age.
We all went to grammer schools
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Do women wear undies under leggings?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She wouldn,t have been !
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Ive learnt so much.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
This is soul school!.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
When she asked me how she looked .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I have no regrets .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I said to her
My life is so biszare .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I never cut or harmed myself..
She loved him until the end.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I waited trembling.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I write beautiful poetry .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I think the readers, may guess!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
So, i spoilt her more .
She married twice! .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And i lived it daily.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But, we were locked up after school.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Especially a lifetime of it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She found it foreign!.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One cannot live in the past .
But ive been too sick for many years..
I don,t even have a pension.
Im still living with it.
But it wasn’t much.
He knew the spot.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was 9 years of age.
We were not on the streets..
I couldn’t, believe it.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She was in good health!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Put me off passion for life!!
I will be 64.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My family never makes their pension either.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
(And it was in our own minds.)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
What did i know ?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
As i do to all so called friends.?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was very sick at this time too.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Was to survive, this bastard.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.